When I Want to Protest and They Don't

This morning was cold, cloudy, and wet. I packed a few things in the car as the homeschoolers slept--a blanket, the day bag, a bottle of water, my protest sign. I checked my wallet: yes, I had $5. (I'd be stopping shortly for a half-dozen donuts at a new local shop on the way.)

When I woke them, I mentioned the donuts first. They were excited. Donuts are a treat for us.  I helped them bundle up. "After we get donuts, I'm going to join a protest," I said. "You're welcome to come stand with me, or stay in the car at eat."

"Will you park as close as you can," asked the 11 year old, "in case we need you?" Yes, of course. 

When we pulled up, there were only a few people there, all adults, hands shoved in pockets, faces tucked into scarves and upturned collars. The mood was serious. The family who was being targeted for deportation had arrived with their lawyer. A few others, including the ministers of the church where the family attended--and who had put out the last-minute call for solidarity--stood around them quietly. Just behind our car, a friend pulled up, and behind them, the local news van.

"What do you think?" I asked.

"We want to stay here," said the 8 year old. 

"But we'll wave if we change our mind," added the 11 year old.

Right enough, I said, and walked the 20 yards to where the others stood, forming a background of colorful, welcoming, love-thy-neighbor solidarity behind the family as they were interviewed by the local media. 

Half an hour later, I came back to the car, and home we went for eggs, toast, and hot mint tea. 

***

There are many good guides on how to involve your children in your activism, including attending meetings with young children, creating safety plans for street protests, and being present to your children's experiences before, during, and after the action. The conversation on how to make activism a core feature of liberal religious homeschooling is just getting underway, and the possibilities are rich and exciting. (The conversation about how to make activism a core feature of conservative religious homeschooling happened a couple of decades ago, and we progressives are now playing catch-up.)

What I haven't seen yet is a discussion on what to do when your kids don't want to come along.

My kids have been to several protests and actions--I wouldn't say many, but several. Sometimes they really get the cause, understand why it's important to show up in body and spirit, and eagerly commit to doing what needs to be done. Other times, not so much. 

I am totally fine with this. In fact, to me, this seems a very natural part of the process of learning how to be empathetic, empowered, engaged members of society.

What I'm trying to teach my children are all of those things, plus the importance of consent, agency, and the power of once voice. If I'm forcing or coercing them to attend a protest, if I'm telling them that the impact of any one action is more important than their reasons for not wanting to be there, if I'm putting the voices of the protest organizers over theirs, then I'm not demonstrating those values. 

So whenever possible--and it's almost always possible--I give them real choices. In the example above, it was to stay in the car or come stand with me. Sometimes, it's to stay with a sitter or come with me. Other times, it's whether to stand with me at the protest, or to sit on the sidelines with a book, drawing pad, or tablet. Occasionally, they can sway the whole family's action, if they aren't feeling great and simply want to be at home with their family around for love and support, for example. 

The point is, their voices matter. They matter because I honor their inherent worth and dignity, as well as the principles of democracy. Furthermore, I'm trying to create a family, a social unit based on mutual caring, respect, understanding, love, and responsibility--mine and theirs, to each other and to our values, in a balance that's constantly being maintained and negotiated, just as it is in all our relationships.

But it's also a matter of practicality: I want them to be advocates and activists for a long time, through their childhoods, youth, young adulthood, and beyond. If I am going to set them up for a lifetime dedicated to social justice, then I have to make the experiences powerful and positive for them in the formative years. This is important. There will be times, soon and further into the future, when I hope very much they will choose to abandon whatever security or comfort they have, put themselves at risk, and come to the aide of another. But if they are going to recognize that moment, they need practice in both saying yes and saying no.

Whatever their choice, there's no shame or other emotional punishment for making a decision other than the one I'd hoped for. We're on this journey together and I have faith that they are on their way to becoming the people they are meant to be, that the world needs.

A side-note about the donuts: the 11 year old thinks the donuts, and other offers like them, might be bribes. I tend to think of them as happy opportunities to sweeten both choices, an acknowledgement that in a family, we don't always get exactly what we want, but if we try, we can probably find ways that everyone gets something they enjoy or can look forward to. You'll have to decide for yourself if and how treats, side-trips, and other benefits might be worked into your activism.